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How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!
If it is the Relief Society it takes four. One to fix refreshments. One to bring the tablecloth. One to design the Center Piece, And one to screw in the light bulb. If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they don't do light bulbs. They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders. If it is the Elders it takes four. Three that don't show up, and One to change the bulb. If it is the High Priests it takes four. Two to push the wheel chairs. One to handle the oxygen tank, And one to screw in the light bulb. If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two, But you have to wait until the end of the month. If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one. He holds the light bulb in the socket And the whole world revolves around him. Bride on her wedding day: "Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!" Mother: "Yes, but at which end?" President wonders why we don't have better home teaching participation, it's because some months have fewer than 31 days and we usually don't start thinking about it until the 31st. Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day of every month! Henry: Oh Yeah? My home teacher is so good he comes the day before that! A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David." The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Thomas and I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix." The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Johnny and I am Mormon and this is a casserole." Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five? Because thirty-six is just too many. An LDS child needed to bring an old shirt from home for a school project about drug prevention. The mother was busy and handed her child an old T-shirt without examining it. Later, she was appalled to see her child wearing the T-shirt through the mall. On the front it said, "A Family is Forever." On the back: "Be Smart, Don't Start." THE MISSION PRESIDENT: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than a locomotive, Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water, Associates with God. THE ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than a switch engine, Is just as fast as a speeding bullet, Walks on water if the sea is calm, Talks with God. THE ZONE LEADER: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, Is almost as powerful as a switch engine, Is faster than a decelerating bullet, Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, Talks with God if special request is approved. THE DISTRICT LEADER: Barely clears a mud hut, Loses tug-of-war with locomotives, Can fire a speeding bullet, Swims well, Is occasionally addressed by God. THE SENIOR COMPANION: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings, Is run over by locomotives, Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, Dog paddles, Talks to animals. THE JUNIOR COMPANION: Runs into buildings, Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times, Is not issued ammunition, Can stay afloat with a life jacket, Talks to walls. THE GREENIE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo!" Wets himself with a water pistol, Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself. THE SISTER MISSIONARIES: Lifts buildings and walks under them, Kicks locomotives off the tracks, Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them, Freezes water in a single glance, Knows God. One day my Missionary companion and I were out tracting. All the sudden we heard what sounded like a very large and unhappy dog barking at us. At the sound of the fierce barking my companion,who does not do well with large mean barking dogs,turns and takes off running. As I ran after him trying to catch up I called out "We can't outrun that dog!" He called back "I don't have to outrun the dog. I just have to outrun you!" When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing Frisbees, etc., on the missionaries' field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read "Missionaries Only." The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing touch football and throwing Frisbees. They had posted a new banner which read, "Every member a missionary." A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest. The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi. The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep. Alright, I made up the rest of these and they aren't that funny but I liked 'em. What's the funniest thing about 50 Mormons showing up for a bar-b-que? Not one of them has a match! Guess you had to be there. Why are Mormons like Pringles? Just one is never enough! If you ask one for a little weekend help, you better have food for 50 on hand! My favorite was when a woman mentioned to her friend that her roof was leaking. She certainly wasn't expecting to wake up to the sound of 10 guys on her roof the next morning. You wouldn't understand, it's a Mormon thing. |